Sunday, 21 June 2020

Day 1. 21/05/2020

As I am typing this, I feel like my mind is a mess. Sometimes, I blame myself for it. Because I tend to think that, I barely take the time to sit with my thoughts and feelings to sort them out. But that's not the reason why I am here at my desk writing this. Things have evolved in a pretty stressful manner for the past few months and unlike what I anticipated things turned out pretty fine. However, now that we are all done and dusted with the piles of assignments and deadlines. I feel like something has changed deep inside. Its been three days now and I feel empty. Some days, I can  even literally feel my heart aching but I just can't seem to make any sense of such a pain. I keep on feeling this void growing inside of me. Its like I lost interest in doing anything at all. As I lie on my bed at night, there are often moments when I realize that I have suddenly stopped enjoying whatever I was doing initially. I am a sleep lover. Yet for these past few days, sleeping didn't seem to be much enjoyable. Rather it makes me feel guilty, guilty of being stagnant, guilty of the things I could have done or not done to be a better person. 

But then aren't we all doing the best we can? As a matter of fact, I have seen myself go through the worst to best of experiences. From fear of death to the joys of living life to the fullest, I have known everything that is meant to make an individuals life content and fulfilled at an early age. Diagnosed as a Cerebral Palsy child, I was condemned to be imprisoned around the walls of my room by medical professionals. Yet, my mom fought back, she did everything she could possibly think of to get me where I stand today. Finally.. So why do I still feel like something is missing in all my sheer moments of glory? Maybe its just that we realize as  we grow up that we lose all sense of excitement gradually. I feel nauseous and sick most of the time. Sick of feeling everything and nothing so deeply that it drains me of my energy and emotions.